


You aren’t scary

by Zoya113



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Gen, Pre-apotheosis, ties in w the Paul Mel roommates fic just ever so slightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24054115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: It appears Ted is the first one to break the news to Melissa that she is not in the least bit scary or threatening and she has plans to change this.
Relationships: Melissa & Paul Matthews
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	You aren’t scary

**Author's Note:**

> Something quick bc I am ridiculously busy but i am also never not thinking abt these clowns

“Ah shit. I forgot to make that photo copy for you,” Ted stopped by Melissa’s desk empty handed. “I guess that’s your problem now.” 

“Wow. Thanks a lot Ted,” Melissa scoffed, standing up to take care of it herself. “Meet you behind CCRP after work.”

He paused. “Huh? For what?” He didn’t get it.

“For a smack down,” Melissa filled him in. “Did you not get the context?”

No. He didn’t. “Oh I just uh,” he blinked. “You aren’t exactly the most threatening.” 

Melissa stopped, puffing out her chest and balling her hands up into fists, rising to the tips of her toes. Still not very scary. “Yeah I am! I probably work out more than you do, I play sport! It’d be a fair fight.” She swung a fist at the air.

Ted didn’t even blink. His silence broke out into a laugh and he turned to walk away until Melissa gasped.

“You really don’t think I’m scary?” She grabbed his arm to pull him back. 

“You’re like a baby, Melissa,” he had to tell her.

“Okay, I am only a couple years younger than you, and I’m not even short! You’re just tall! You’re so awful, Ted.” She threw a punch at his side and besides from a slide grunt he was mostly fine, and he laughed it right off. 

“Why do you want to be scary?” He asked, allowing her to pummel him for a second. 

“Because you guys always treat me like I’m twelve just because I’m not as old as the rest of you,” she huffed. “And I’m so sick of it!” 

“Okay, don’t let it get to your head.” He rubbed his hands together before slipping them under her arms, hoisting her up off her feet. “You can’t fight me, I’m sorry that I’m not scared of you but there’s nothing you can do about it.” 

With her feet off the floor she hand no choice but to look him in the eye, she tapped his arm to tell him to put her down before he made a scene. “Okay, okay. I’ve got it. Whatever. But I’ll prove it to you one day, just so you know.” She crossed her arms and stormed off to go get those papers herself. 

He followed after her. He wondered if she realised how much less threatening she was when she looked angry. It just sort of reminded him of a fifth grader, or a very sad cat perhaps. 

On their way past the IT room though she poked her head in. 

“Hey guys? Do you think I can be threatening?” She asked.

“Oh no, of course not Melissa, who was saying that to you?” Charlotte frowned, clearly missing the message. “Ted?”

She didn’t even bother to explain, just turned her head to the other two. 

“Uh, everyone can be a little scary. If a baby had a gun to my head I’d probably be frightened,” Bill explained, tilting his head. 

And in this case, Melissa was the baby with the gun. 

“Paul?” She clenched her fists. “Am I scary?” 

“Uh, well you scare me when you can’t find your cat and you turn the whole apartment upside down, but it’s totally fine afterwards when you find her!” Paul too, was not sure what path she was taking. 

“I can be scary,” she told them. 

“Uh, sure you can!” Bill gave an encouraging swing of his fist. 

She let out a frustrated growl, stomping off. They were of no help to her cause.

“I’m sorry, Melissa,” Ted snorted, leaning up on the printer. “Some people just aren’t scary.”

She smacked her fist down on top of the printer with a warning growl, but he saw her rubbing her fist when she withdrew it. “I’ll ask Mr Davidson. I’ll show you.” 

She snatched up her papers and hurried off to the boss’s office.

“Mr Davidson!” She swung open his office door. “Quick question!” 

“Yes Melissa?” He blinked, a little surprised at their entrance.

“If you had to, just hypothetically, like, rate me on a scale of one to ten with ten being the scariest and one being not scary at all where would you put me?” 

He stared at her for a second like he hadn’t just heard her say that before breaking out into a laugh. “Well you’re my PA not my bodyguard, Melissa.” 

“Meaning? Give me a number, Mr Davidson,” she pressed.

He didn’t seem like he could. “Remember when Carol and I took you out for dinner to discuss a timeline for that new assignment?” 

She nodded. That would’ve been in her third or forth month working here. “What about it?” 

“They brought you a kids menu because they thought you were our daughter.” 

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. “Uh! Well, so what? I can still be scary and be a daughter, we’re all daughters and sons and children, aren’t we? So are you saying like, no ones scary?”

“Calm down, Melissa,” Ted sneered.

“Am I scary or not Mr Davidson? I want the number!” 

“Melissa,” he leant forward. “Why would you want to be scary?”

She shrugged, throwing her hands up. “With all due respect who asked you, sir?”

He chuckled. “You should be at your desk, someone has to be answering the phone.”

She let out a loud sigh, her shoulders slumping. 

“But before you go,” he leant back again, pulling open his top draw. 

“Oh, the tax order file for the ink? I’ve already marked it all off and sent it through. It’s in your out file,” she answered.

“Oh!” He laughed. “Well, now that is a little scary Melissa. It’s like you read my mind.” 

She huffed, one hand on the door frame to show she was done talking now. “See Ted? Told you I’m scary, I’m taking that as an eight, a nine at most.” 

“Pushing it a little,” he warned. “A five. I’d give you a five max when you’re in a bad mood.” 

She closed the door with a scoff. Better than nothing. “I am scary, okay? Just because I’m not six feet tall and muscled, I’m still scary.” 

“If you were actually scary you wouldn’t have to say that, you know,” he explained, following her off to the break room. She was probably trying to get away from him but he wouldn’t relent until she admitted it. 

She knelt down to search through the fridge for her yoghurt, and a moment later the IT gang came up for their breaks too. 

Ted sank into a chair before anyone else could sit down.

They all raised their hands in small waves, tired from work already, not a word was said. Bill shuffled over to the coffee machine but paused, Paul stopped at the table, his jaw dropping. He gave Ted a stare and Ted didn’t know why, and Charlotte had halted at the door, a finger to her chin in thought. 

“Bill, the coffee filters are in the top left cupboard now, Dakota moved them, also, yes Charlotte you did bring your lunch,” she grabbed her yoghurt, pulling out Charlotte’s container too and handing it to her. 

People blinked, brows raising in shock, not just at the broken silence.

“Wow, you have eyes on the back of tour head, Melissa,” Bill gave a good nature’s laugh as he fetched the filters.

“Also Ted do you not understand the concept of having a regular seat? That’s Paul’s, move. Ruthless.”

Reluctantly he shifted to the chair besides him so Paul could sit down.

“Also, Paul, after lunch you’re actually good to go back to the office,” she began as she grabbed out a spoon.

“Oh, uh. I’ve actually gotta-“

“Hand in the return form to marketing? I just sent him a photocopy already, it’s already been sent back to your desk.” Ted knew she had it right because his eyes widened in surprise before he could come up with the words. 

“Oh, thanks, Melissa.” 

“And the microwave isn’t working right now Charlotte. It was a Wednesday so you have spaghetti right? You’ll actually have to go to the upstairs break room,” she pressed a head to her head like she was racking through information filed in her brain, but Bill’s empty look at the coffee machine with its new filter in caught her attention instead. “Also Bill I have made a note to get more of that coffee you like, don’t worry.” 

“Oh! Has the office administrator already got you on that? I only emailed him about ten minutes ago!” Bill always wore a smile, but it was twitching in confusion. “How’d you know? He hasn’t even gotten my email yet!”

“You’re almost like a mind reader,” Charlotte chimed in.

Ted said nothing, because he knew this was what she wanted. Just to pull some big power trip card to get revenge on them. Of course she knew where things had been moved to and what papers had been signed, she was the PA. Although how on earth did she know about all that private stuff?

“That’s none of your business. Anyways,” she paused just briefly by the door, her back still to them. “You all have the most mundane, exactly the same routines you go through every single day and it makes you weak. When the apocalypse hits I’m gonna be the only person to get out of here alive, just so you know.” She turned back around, a very formidable look on her face, her eyes dark and hollow. Something very grim was behind them. 

Ted actually felt frozen. He managed to glance around the room with his eyes to see everyone else was the same. What had she just said?

But then, just like nothing had happen she let out one of her bubbly laughs, giving a bright smile. “Just kidding!” And then she was on her way back to her desk, spooning her strawberry yoghurt into her mouth. “Well. And maybe that pretty barista. Fifty fifty for her. We’ll see.” 

Ted could only move again when she was out of sight completely. He turned to the others, it was like she had just put a spell on them, or more accurately - cursed them. “The apocalypse?” He echoed. 

“That girl has a lot of stories in her head,” Charlotte frowned, her eyes still wide with surprise as she stared at the door like she could see through it. 

“Maybe she is a little frightening. From time to time,” Bill caved with a very anxious laugh. 

“No. Yes, I am frightened. I did not like that look,” Paul’s hands were tapping against each other at a mile a minute. 

“Wait guys, you aren’t actually scared are you?” He would never admit it. “She’s a PA, that’s her job to know what we’re up to.” 

“I know,” Bill tried to rationalise. “But how did she know about personal emails? How’d she figure out what Charlotte has for dinner?”

“Guesses,” Ted assured them. “It’s not like she’s psychic. Don’t let her get under your skin. That’s what she wants.”

Paul let out a mumble. “Well anyone who talks about the apocalypse with a look like that, that’s scary.”

Ted snorted. “Hah. That’s what scared you Paul? The apocalypse? In Hatchetfield of all places? Don’t be ridiculous.”


End file.
